Why the loss of control motivates most “behaviors”

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Cecilia was having a hard time. Suddenly, she couldn’t do all the things she used to do. She had once owned her own business, handled all her finances, made her own daily plans, raised children, and more. Now, with dementia, she couldn’t manage those tasks. Now, her family was doing everything for her, and it made her angry. “Stop messing with my checkbook!” she yelled at her son. “When did you last take the trash out?” she asked her husband with a tone of frustration. Often, she stayed in bed, saying she didn’t “feel well.” This was very new for her family—they’d never seen her like this!

It was no wonder that Cecilia seemed annoyed, detached, and anxious! She was once a woman who handled everything in her life, but now, with dementia, she had lost a lot of control. A feeling of control is important to most everyone: we want to know that we have the ability to make choices and change things in our lives if we want to.

When we feel like we have no control, we start to panic. It makes a lot of sense that Cecilia was so agitated and irritable with her family: it stemmed from fear. 

Many of the “behaviors” we see in dementia (hoarding, irritability, accusations, etc.) come from a place of fear, and that fear is usually based on a loss of control. 

How do we help someone who feels this way? The best thing to do is to give them back some of that control. Obviously, you can’t let your confused loved one fill out the checkbook, but you can let them help you make a budget. Ask your loved one “for help” when completing a task, even if you don’t need (or want) help with that task.

This is another reason why chores are such a great thing to try with people living with dementia: they are task-based, often simple, and part of daily life. Even in late stages, most people are able to fold a hand towel or match up socks with some assistance. 

Ask “for help” (not if they WANT to help, but rather if they CAN help you) and see the change in your loved one’s behavior. No one wants to feel like they lack control over the most basic parts of their existence.

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Rachael Wonderlin is an internationally-recognized dementia care expert and consultant. She has a Master’s in Gerontology and is the author of three published books with Johns Hopkins University Press. Rachael owns Dementia By Day, a dementia care consulting and education company.

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